My alarm awakened me at 3:24 a.m.. Weighted with deep weariness, I clung to the covers not believing I could lift myself from this dark exhaustion of my body and mind. Then I remembered we were flying from Maine to Costa Rica in a few short hours. This propelled me into action to ready myself, although my emotions were still heavily clinging to all we are letting go of: close proximity to our children, friends, clients, homes, 8 pets, my physical therapy practice, financial security, most of our belongings, all beloved sacred parts of my whole life and being that I have given all my heart and soul to. It feels like am letting go of more than my sentimental heart could bear.
I felt heavy inside out. My bones were crying and I held onto the comfort of my beautiful husband always kissing my tears, even when they seemed endless. Even one of my closest friends shut me out, angry that I did not find time to spend with her before I left. She texted me: “I hope you are happy with your decisions, have a nice life!! Then when I poured out my heart to her of all I had to take care of before I left, with deep apologies and proclaiming that she and her daughter are family to me, she gave no response. Her words, then silence and apparent lack of understanding gave me pause to question my decisions, yet I had to let go of what felt like harsh judgment and trust deeper the calling of my spirit. I felt a big spark of excitement as I focused back on the exciting adventures that lie ahead for my husband and me. Ignited by love, I finished preparing to fly forth to the unknown.
In fact, we have created unknown territory before we even fly off, by letting go of businesses, homes, cars and material belongings. Owning nothing , including no debt is an amazingly light and liberating feeling. We have more choices now: to travel, to explore new places, to help our grown children a little in getting started in independent living as young adults, to have more free time, to work less & to spend more time with each other & on our own creative passions.
Free time certainly was a novel idea and experience for me. I had never lived without many lists each day of things to accomplish, even on my days off. I would have high anxiety if I misplaced my lists which were most often beyond human capacity and surely detrimental to my own well being to complete. Close friends often commented, “you fit 3 days into every one.” This was true for my entire purpose driven life. Although I know my intentions were always pure in serving others; always pushing myself to do more, came in part from my wounded sense of self, thinking I wasn’t enough. Could I learn to let go of always doing and just be? What and who am I without all I get done? I am letting go of all the roles and hats I wore and accomplishments that defined me. Can I truly be still with myself?
UNSETTLED, SCARED & UNATTACHED, I began to truly honor all parts of my being….
Now, 18 days into our adventure, without an agenda, I know for certain letting go is a beautiful thing. Confirmation resides within me that the suffering is in the not letting go. I am bathing in the greatest luxury of truly letting go of the heaviness of fitting so much in everyday, of truly being in the divine flow of what calls to my heart and spirit each moment. We, my husband and I , with deep love , trust, and a willingness to take big risks, despite fear and many challenges, and an abiding faith in each other and spirit, have created space and time where magical things happen each day. It is magical to me to witness the rigid platforms of responsibility melt away from my husband. His exterior has softened in a most beautiful and welcoming way. I am privileged to witness this great man coming alive from within; a serenity I had not seen, an ease of exuberant expressiveness, a profound presence, almost unearthly, and a deeper more sacred connection intimately with each other emotionally, spiritually, sensually. Wow! I am falling in love with him all over again ever day. We have the most precious gift of time to share more of each others’ heart and soul.
Letting go of so many things and pressures, makes everyday filled with the greatest gifts of the most simple , yet profound pleasures. We are in a space of truly honoring each other and ourselves in each moment without expectation or attachment to any outcome. This is where the magic of spirit happens.
I feel free and truly unencumbered for the 1st time ever. I am content and peaceful beyond measure. Letting go of constantly spreading myself too thin, multitasking and being pulled in so many different directions, the burdensome weight of external pressures and expectations I put upon myself has evaporated. The deep fatigue of all the years of my life of not truly loving myself and rarely getting enough rest, is lifting. Now, with this time and space we have created, I know we are gifting ourselves and each other the greatest gifts imaginable.
Letting go can be painful and challenging, yet the rewards are immeasurable. I love the analogy of mothers and childbirth; that it is through some pain and suffering that the miracle of a new life springs forth. It is through the courage to change, the pain of letting go, being way outside my comfort zone, totally, daring to recreate myself, that I am birthing and springing forth a whole new me, Wow ! I just realized my “ love for all” message includes myself.
Now I know what re-birthing truly feels like . I actually had an extremely scary dream our 5th night here. I woke up screaming , crying and hyperventilating , as I was experiencing my family of origin all brutally killing me. It was horrifying & seemed so real, until I realized that my dying meant me being reborn into more light which was my intention set earlier that day and part of my life’s plan activated. Very powerful and healing as my husband kissed my tears and held me in my terror, to assist in transforming the fear to love. In the power of his love and holding a safe place for me, I knew that I did not have to give up the human frailty of deep sadness, nor the enlivening strength of anger & deep disappointment. I could be authentic in all my human vulnerabilities as we infused & transformed them with love, holy and wholly.
The next day I felt drawn to ask my husband for a shamanic journey healing session. He was very supportive and felt called to do it on the beach. It was an incredible journey through the ocean on my new turtle guide, Tico, who brought me to meet my new spirit guide Mag, short for Magnificent. He totally filled me up with light, which was in total alignment with my intention; restoring all the depleted parts of myself. Then my husband continued in his spirit work, doing a soul retrieval, bringing parts of my soul dissociated from trauma back to me as he breathed love & light into my heart. I am deeply honored and grateful that we have time and space for my husband to share his incredible gifts that were profoundly healing and just what I needed. I had not told him my intention for light and more energy prior to this healing session. Ever since that healing session, I have felt more energetic and have not needed a long nap in the afternoon. I am more grounded , yet feel more charged with positive life force and spiritual healing energy & knowing. This is exactly what I prayed and meditated for.
I have prayed for so many years to heal wholly and holy. I have always had a knowing that the deepest healing comes from revealing, honoring and living in our deepest truths. Surrendering to letting go has created this opportunity I am in the midst of experiencing.
Previously, as an overachieving, people pleasing martyr, I donned many masks each day, believing I was being my highest self. I did not know until I disrobed what I thought I should be and stood naked before myself, all that I really am. With all the former self imposed pressures, I could feel my ship sinking with each overwhelming wave of anxiety I had created, sailing frighteningly closer to my own demise. I am human after all. I was doing my very best to serve everyone around me, but was I serving myself? Surrender more. Let go more.
I am profoundly grateful we have created a new way of being, truly a life to live for.
I am so happy we are trying this on for size because it fits very nicely. We feel healthier, happier, more peaceful and alive.
Yes, my strong work ethic and holding ever so close to all my ideals served others well. As a devoted mom, wife, therapist , teacher and business owner, I am extraordinarily grateful for creating opportunities to positively touch, serve and help heal and uplift many lives all these years.
Yet, this gift I give to myself of truly surrendering and letting go, brings me to a deeper sweetness of my being that I did not know dwells within. A vast blank canvas now lies before me. It is a bit daunting, yet I am filled with pure excitement and anticipation of what I will create. Every color of my being is vibrant and alive.
It truly does not matter what I get done for the 1st time in my life. Being present with and honoring my heart and spirit at this deeper level feels rich with the most meaningful gifts. Everyday, I nap whenever I feel like it and still go to bed early most nights. This is a sweet luxury for me, as for most of my life, I deprived myself of ample rest and rejuvenation.
As the heaviness and deep fatigue lifts, I feel exponentially lighter and more expansive. I am enjoying the rewards of loving myself holy and wholly. Doing yoga everyday helps with this immensely too as I always feel more spacious in my body , more calm and grounded in my mind and more aligned with spirit and my highest self.
Meditating each morning as I set and align myself with an intention, is powerful beyond words. I literally witness the process by which my thoughts, feelings and energetic being manifests in the physical world, as the overflow of my heart. Through meditation and conscious awareness, it is now easy to change the channel in my brain, to refocus and reframe every situation in a meaningful, positive, healing or transformative way. We can have scary and negative thoughts, but not be chained to them. We can learn to respond rather than react to negative situations in a way that is helpful rather than harmful to ourselves & others. When we react, our emotions typically are negative and detrimental to our well being and sometimes others and most often do not help to improve the situation . When we can step back and witness the situation we can choose how we would like to respond to it; hopefully in a mindful and constructive way. This gives us positive and empowering benefits & feelings of well being and spreads that positive vibe around us.
As my tears of letting go transform into one’s of deep gratitude and joy, I am lifted once again from the depths of despair to the heights of ecstasy. With letting go of so many things and having time and space to be, I have returned home to myself. I have remembered that my heart can be a safe place to be & it is up to me to create that. I have gained greater perspective, humility, appreciation, ease, acceptance , deeper forgiveness , compassion, contentment, peace, joy, creativity, and a deeper and more sacred connection to myself, nature, fellow humans, animals and spirit.
I even see more clarity and a bright sparkle, that had dimmed, returned to my eyes. I feel a healthy radiance glow from within, instead of trying to look good externally with makeup and what I wear on the outside. Oh, I am letting go of those things too.
With each letting go comes more stillness and an opportunity to meet with divine grace and to hear our highest callings. Like kayaking in serene waters, we can look over and see our reflection. When we are still and calm, we come closer to sharing the company of our greatest self. Can we hold the space to be truly gentle with ourselves. Can we be that quiet within to ask , How may we serve the Greater Good? Can we be that still to listen and receive the gift of knowing: How we can match our intrinsic talents with some of the world’s greatest needs.
So each new day is truly a gift to behold. Being with my new found self, delighting in what each moment brings with childlike wonderment and an inner aliveness I know we are each meant to have.
What can you let go of, to create time, space and freedom to heal suffering weighing you down, to come closer to your true self, to recognize and embrace your passions & gifts, to do what excites you everyday, and to truly create a life to live for?
Letting go truly creates more space within to be filled with the most meaningful gifts of heart and spirit. These gifts to ourselves will surely raise up all of humanity. For as we reclaim and rekindle our own light, we will be more filled up with positive energy, passion, love & serenity that will have the ripple effect of positively influencing and uplifting all the lives we touch. Letting go of things that may no longer serve our highest well-being creates more opportunity to be a positive force of love in our families, our communities, and our world, one breath, one thought, one step a a time.
Love For All,
Donna Maria
